Homeless Work Scheme Inspired by Tom & Jerry

New Conservative plans to get homeless people into work are being put into action this week. Anyone seen to have the audacity to sleep outside is being offered work in the local community or will face financial penalties.

New roles include, but are not limited to, holding up road signs, lying in the road to save wear on newly laid speed bumps, and placing their clothes over puddles to stop MPs getting wet feet. Barry Hurgenburger MP says, ‘What happened to the kind of chivalry you used to see in Tom & Jerry cartoons? Modern women find chivalry offensive, so why not direct it at people who appreciate it? I sure am grateful when that young man outside my tube stop always gives up his coat so I’m not spending all morning stepping around puddles. That’s time I could be spending working on parliamentary matters.’

Shadow Minister Louise Trustington asked how much the new scheme pays its homeless workers and was met with laughter and accusations of being a ‘mad radical’. The plans do not include payment as ‘rewarding homelessness with financial benefits is likely to incentivise street living. The more money homeless people are given, the more likely they are to stay on the streets.’

Gary Two Beards, 42, said under the scheme he will be expected to spend 40 hours a week offering his leg to passing dogs to protect public lampposts. ‘I get that the community love these lampposts and that they need to be kept clean, but they could at least give me some long rubber boots or something. I try to look on the bright  side - at least the piss warms my leg up. For a little while, anyway. I used to warm up by sitting in the bus station, but the council have started fining homeless people for being in there. And if I can’t pay, I have to spend the week at work with my trouser leg rolled up.’

Snoutrage as David Cameron’s unpignified initiation to elite dining society revealed

This story is the gift that keeps on giving. There's been everything from punny wordplay to new captions on old pictures of the PM holding pigs. And in the same week that it was announced that the UK has closed a deal with China on pig semen too. All Christmases have come at once for satirists.



Number ten are currently refusing to comment, understandably, and the reported photo of David Cameron caught in the act of putting ‘a private part of his anatomy’ inside the mouth of a dead pig has not been materialised, for which I imagine many people are hugely grateful. Who wants to see a dead-eyed, shiny chunk of ham putting his knob inside a dead pig?

Of course, due to the lack of evidence, there is currently no proof to support the claim. Making the rounds on social media this morning is the Hunter S. Thompson story of Lyndon Johnson telling his campaign manager to publicise that his opposition enjoyed regular relations with his pigs. His manager replied that no one would believe it and that it wasn't true, and  Johnson said ‘Of course it’s not but let's make the bastard deny it’.

The two possible realities of this story are that David Cameron either did put his penis inside the mouth of a dead pig resting on his friend’s lap, or Lord Ashcroft and the press are wilfully releasing lies to discredit the prime minister. Neither of these options are favourable. We either live in a country ruled by a man who was already so wealthy and privileged that he was in one of the most elite establishments in the country and yet was still so desperate to join an even more exclusive, separatist society that he would willingly commit both beastiality and necrophilia at the same time; or a peer of the House of Lords (an unfair and undemocratic institution as it is) and the national press are willing to release untrue, scandalous claims in order to discredit the PM in a story that people are desperate to believe, simply because it is so outrageous. There is no going back from having to stand in front of a country you have been elected to lead, saying ‘I did not sexually assault a dead pig’.

The Daily Mail, the first newspaper to release the story, are historically supportive of the Conservative Party, and Lord Ashcroft who made the claims, has reportedly donated more than £5million to the Tories. Either I've watched too much of The Thick of It, or there is no way that either of these would have released such allegations unless it was favourable to another potential story being released to the press and was printed as a distraction. It’s not hard to believe from a government whose decisions and policies have already received horrendous stories in the press, such as the 2,380 people who have died after being declared fit for work after benefit system reforms. I dread to think what could be worse than pig fucking, so I hope Armando Iannucci has led me to an incorrect conclusion.

Whatever turns out to be the truth, all possibilities are so utterly beyond contempt that we should carry on taking the piss and having a laugh about it while we still can.