Snoutrage as David Cameron’s unpignified initiation to elite dining society revealed

This story is the gift that keeps on giving. There's been everything from punny wordplay to new captions on old pictures of the PM holding pigs. And in the same week that it was announced that the UK has closed a deal with China on pig semen too. All Christmases have come at once for satirists.



Number ten are currently refusing to comment, understandably, and the reported photo of David Cameron caught in the act of putting ‘a private part of his anatomy’ inside the mouth of a dead pig has not been materialised, for which I imagine many people are hugely grateful. Who wants to see a dead-eyed, shiny chunk of ham putting his knob inside a dead pig?

Of course, due to the lack of evidence, there is currently no proof to support the claim. Making the rounds on social media this morning is the Hunter S. Thompson story of Lyndon Johnson telling his campaign manager to publicise that his opposition enjoyed regular relations with his pigs. His manager replied that no one would believe it and that it wasn't true, and  Johnson said ‘Of course it’s not but let's make the bastard deny it’.

The two possible realities of this story are that David Cameron either did put his penis inside the mouth of a dead pig resting on his friend’s lap, or Lord Ashcroft and the press are wilfully releasing lies to discredit the prime minister. Neither of these options are favourable. We either live in a country ruled by a man who was already so wealthy and privileged that he was in one of the most elite establishments in the country and yet was still so desperate to join an even more exclusive, separatist society that he would willingly commit both beastiality and necrophilia at the same time; or a peer of the House of Lords (an unfair and undemocratic institution as it is) and the national press are willing to release untrue, scandalous claims in order to discredit the PM in a story that people are desperate to believe, simply because it is so outrageous. There is no going back from having to stand in front of a country you have been elected to lead, saying ‘I did not sexually assault a dead pig’.

The Daily Mail, the first newspaper to release the story, are historically supportive of the Conservative Party, and Lord Ashcroft who made the claims, has reportedly donated more than £5million to the Tories. Either I've watched too much of The Thick of It, or there is no way that either of these would have released such allegations unless it was favourable to another potential story being released to the press and was printed as a distraction. It’s not hard to believe from a government whose decisions and policies have already received horrendous stories in the press, such as the 2,380 people who have died after being declared fit for work after benefit system reforms. I dread to think what could be worse than pig fucking, so I hope Armando Iannucci has led me to an incorrect conclusion.

Whatever turns out to be the truth, all possibilities are so utterly beyond contempt that we should carry on taking the piss and having a laugh about it while we still can.