Calendar Man

Homeless Work Scheme Inspired by Tom & Jerry

New Conservative plans to get homeless people into work are being put into action this week. Anyone seen to have the audacity to sleep outside is being offered work in the local community or will face financial penalties.

New roles include, but are not limited to, holding up road signs, lying in the road to save wear on newly laid speed bumps, and placing their clothes over puddles to stop MPs getting wet feet. Barry Hurgenburger MP says, ‘What happened to the kind of chivalry you used to see in Tom & Jerry cartoons? Modern women find chivalry offensive, so why not direct it at people who appreciate it? I sure am grateful when that young man outside my tube stop always gives up his coat so I’m not spending all morning stepping around puddles. That’s time I could be spending working on parliamentary matters.’

Shadow Minister Louise Trustington asked how much the new scheme pays its homeless workers and was met with laughter and accusations of being a ‘mad radical’. The plans do not include payment as ‘rewarding homelessness with financial benefits is likely to incentivise street living. The more money homeless people are given, the more likely they are to stay on the streets.’

Gary Two Beards, 42, said under the scheme he will be expected to spend 40 hours a week offering his leg to passing dogs to protect public lampposts. ‘I get that the community love these lampposts and that they need to be kept clean, but they could at least give me some long rubber boots or something. I try to look on the bright  side - at least the piss warms my leg up. For a little while, anyway. I used to warm up by sitting in the bus station, but the council have started fining homeless people for being in there. And if I can’t pay, I have to spend the week at work with my trouser leg rolled up.’