If you've been on any social media lately, you've probably seen this picture. It's been shared and viewed countless times, often under titles such as ‘parenting goals’.
Why is it acceptable, let alone aspirational, for fathers to become the gatekeepers for their daughters’ sexuality? By trying to ensure that no boy or man will threaten his little girl’s innocence, or view her as a sexual object, they themselves are doing just that.
What do these fathers tell their daughters when they inevitably start asking questions?
‘Why are you telling boys to stay away from me?’
‘Because you're my little princess and I said so.’
‘What do you think they'll do if they do come near me?’
‘They might take advantage of you.’
Just like he is taking advantage of you now. He is making your decisions, dictating your sexuality, and treating you as a possession that currently belongs to him, and will be given away on your wedding day to a man he has decided you are allowed to love at an age he has decided is appropriate.
He does not trust your judgement. He doesn't believe you will be able to stand up for yourself if any boys make you uncomfortable. He believes he owns you. He believes that you are a delicate, inadequate being that he must control. He is assuming you are straight, which could cause you anxiety and fear if one day you have to tell him that isn't the case. He believes that you don't understand your own body, your own feelings, or your own desires. He believes that when you are old enough, he will hand you over to a man who can be trusted to take over his control of your body, your feelings, and your own desires.
The girl in this photograph is young so it may well make you uncomfortable when I talk about her body, feelings, and desires. In that case, I hope the shirt her father gave her made you equally as uncomfortable because it is saying all the same things, just worded in a way that makes people proud of him rather than unsettled by him.
When the father in this picture was asked how he will cope when she does start to date, he answered "She's not going out. She's going to be like Rapunzel - up in the tower." Your daughter is not a princess. She is not a fairytale character who lives her life waiting for a man to save and protect her. She is her own person. Let her make her own decisions and her own mistakes. If she makes a mistake, she can turn to her family for comfort. If you make the mistake for her, where will she go?
My parenting goals are not to forbid any children I may have from expressing themselves, but to bring up children who are educated and confident enough to make informed decisions that they are comfortable with, to have children who feel like they can come to me with questions and concerns that they might be embarrassed about asking anybody else, and who know I will give them honest advice and not a repeated, barked response that there's absolutely no way they can even consider talking about such things until they're thirty. Which would you rather?
